Anguish
by Lalachan
Summary: (Hiei & Kurama) Hiei comes back to Ningenkai and discovers that something very serious has happenned. (Warning: Yaoi )


Anguish WARNING: This fanfic is Yaoi (Male/Male relationship) so please be warned about that. It was my first fic ever written, and it's already 3 years old. A big Thanks to Rhionae who kindly edited it for me. Hope you enjoy it. ^_^ **__**

**_Anguish_**

  


By Lalachan 

  


I know something is wrong the moment my feet touch the Ningenkai's soil. Something hits me heavily; something I can't discern right now. It's not a ki, or someone's aura; it's most like a presage in the air... a bad one. Something happened, something really serious. I'm not sure that I want to know what it is, as my leaps through the treetops lead me directly towards Kurama's house. 

As I had done so many times before, I land on the window-sill of his room, and as always, I push the window, so I can come in. I frown, confused. 

It is closed. 

I just can't remember a time it has happened before. It's late at night, at this time the fox might well be in dreamland by now. The room is in the dark, I can't see anything in it but hideous shadows. I hesitate a little before knocking lightly at the window. The feeling that reached me when I passed through the portal between the Makai and the Ningenkai, and the closed window... these two things bother me greatly, but I refuse to panic this easily; why should I? There is an explanation to all of this, I am sure. 

However, there is no answer to my knocking, and I persist, this time more forcefully. Nothing, yet. The room is empty. Finally I admit to myself what I was trying to deny since I got here; I didn't sense Kurama's you-ki anywhere in this house. He is not here, definitively. Then why do I keep on knocking at the window, like an idiot, if I already know that? I shake my head. 

I open my Jagan, and begin to investigate the rest of the house in search of the other inhabitants' energy, his mother, the stepfather, and the younger brother; There is no sign of them, either. So that is it. Kurama probably is somewhere, with his ningen relatives; that is the explanation. All I have to do is wait for them to return. 

But, even though I am already reclined at the tree branch, waiting, that insistent feeling doesn't leave my gut. Insecurity begins to disturb my mind. At this time at night, where could they be... all of them? 

It's not time for school holidays... if it was, then everything would be explained. The whole family would be enjoying the vacations of the two students, perhaps traveling somewhere, or visiting relatives... But I know that every time his family decides to travel or go on a trip, Kurama always manages to avoid joining them, giving some excuse, and staying at home. He does that in order to have some privacy in the house conveniently empty, without having to worry about being interrupted by them. He takes any chances like those; that's when we can at least be quietly alone. Just the two of us. 

If his family were traveling, Kurama wouldn't be with them. He would be here, in this room, waiting for me, a luxurious smile in his lips, a burning flame of anticipation in his eyes of jade... 

I stir lightly in the branch, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. That feeling doesn't abandon me, however much I try to think with logic; it remains there, pounding in my subconscious. 

All my life, I was never so imprudent as to ignore my instincts. I would be dead if I did that; it is something that guides my steps, something that rules my survival. And now, my instincts are telling me that there is something terribly wrong in this situation. And as always, I can't permit myself the luxury of ignoring them for much longer. 

I get to my feet in the branch, a decision made. Choosing one direction, I leave the tree where I had been hidden, with swift and determined leaps. 

I finally arrive at the building where Yusuke lives, feeling reluctance in showing my concern so openly like this, but I have no choice. Yusuke might know where Kurama is. 

I never liked elevators. I quickly climb the stairs and place myself in front of his apartment's door. With no hesitation I squeeze the door-bell. It screams accusingly, as if wanting to wake the entire neighborhood. A few moments of silence. I try again, but nothing. There is nobody home. 

I frown again. I begin to consider the possibility of some mission of Koenma's; but in this case, why shouldn't I be informed about it? Besides, there is also the point of Kurama's relatives absence... Nothing is fitting in here. 

I leave the place, uncertain of what to do. I grunt in disgust, as I take the direction towards Kuwabara's house; that's exactly what I need: to look at that idiotic gorilla's face, but the need to know what is happening urges me on again. 

The scene is the same; when I get to the place, I don't even need to knock on the door, because I have already searched around with my Jagan and it's empty. No ningen here. And no stupid gorilla, either. 

Now I go down the desert street, barely looking up when a car passes by me, the lights boring the night's darkness. There is one last option, before asking for help in Reikai... Yusuke's girlfriend's house, Keiko. One last shot, before go through the Gates of Judgement, and talk to the little guy that governs that place. 

I know where it is, because I had been there, once. Kurama managed to drag me to a party in that house. Now I remember... it was in the occasion of Yusuke and Keiko's engagement. As always, it was much easier to surrender to my fox's insistence than refuse... and I went. 

The house has two floors; the downstairs one is some kind of store... no, a restaurant. She and her family live in the second floor. I look up, and feel surprised as I am feeling relieved: There is a light in one of the windows. With no more delay, I push the doorbell. Three more pushes are needed before someone gets to the door; when the door opens, a sleepy middle-age woman's face looks at me, questioning. Her mother. 

"Is Keiko here?" I ask, trying to keep a "polite" tone in the voice. She looks at me and doesn't answer, maybe trying to figure out what someone like me could want with her daughter. I tell myself to remain calm; I will get nowhere if I loose my temper, now. 

"I need to talk to Keiko," I insist, in a low voice. "Is she here?" 

"No, Keiko is not home." She finally answers, still suspicious. "Who are you?" 

"My name is Hiei. I am... a friend of Yusuke." I explain, feeling weird when saying that word. Friend. When I imagined myself saying such a sentence like this? But the woman's eyes seem to light in recognition, at least. 

"Oh, yes, I remember you, now... you came to the engagement's party, didn't you?" 

"Hai." I answer back, a little impatient. "Where is Keiko?" Her expression becomes strange, it saddens a bit. She looks down, in sorrow. 

"Keiko is at a deathwatch. One of her schoolmates unfortunately died, yesterday. She's with her friends, some blocks far from here... they are guarding the dead in his grandmother's house. Would you like me to give you the address?" 

I don't answer, frozen in place with the revelation. A deathwatch? Somebody died... some stupid ningen was caught by the claws of death, ending his useless and short life. Finally, the explanation. All the students of the school may be at this deathwatch, that explains Kurama's absence, Yusuke's, and Kuwabara's. 

But it doesn't explain Kurama's parents absence, and his brother. My mind screams, but I ignore this annoying voice. I look at the woman, who still waits for my reply. I nod, and she quickly takes some paper and pen to note the address down. 

I finally leave the Yukimura's residence, feeling the woman's glance in my back, while I get away; I know that I can't use my speed to go any faster, until she returns inside, which she does, some moments later. I run through the night, then, following the direction specified in the paper. 

I take only some seconds to get at the place, and, without any reason, my central nucleous that humans call heart beats faster; some strange voice tells me not to go in, to turn my back and just leave. I shake my head at such an incoherent thought. I come to the house's entrance, whose doors are open. There is a lot of people here, despite the fact it's a large house, I almost can't make my way through the ningen with sad faces. At a glance, I think that the boy who died really was well-liked by everyone... 

I catch sight of Yusuke, at Keiko's side, sitting in a corner of the room; At their side, there are Kuwabara, Yukina and Shizuru. Yusuke is the first one to notice me, and his eyes wide in shock; for some reason, that bothers me, makes me unquiet. His glance crosses nervously to Kuwabara's, who looks at me. I find it odd, when I see in his eyes no sign of antagonism, or anger, upon seeing me. Instead of that, he lowers his gaze, not wanting to stare me. 

There is no sign of Kurama anywhere. 

My heart is pounding madly now, but still, I am careful to keep my face expressionless while I approach them. 

Yusuke is still looking at me, and looking closer now, I see that he is crying in silence. All of them are. With the exception of Yusuke, nobody looks at me, everyone prefers to focus their gaze somewhere else. A sob escapes from Keiko, and Yusuke gently wraps his arms over her shoulders, comforting. I don't bother to greet them; in fact, nobody expects me to do so. 

Some moments of visible discomfort go by. 

"Where is Kurama?" I finally ask, letting the question come out like it was confined in my throat for a long time. Suddenly Yukina covers her face with her hands, and a lot of tear gems escape through her delicate fingers. Kuwabara does the same as Yusuke. Yukina hides her face in his chest, crying disconsolately. Kuwabara leans his face against her hair, murmuring words of comfort, but he himself cries too, his body shaken by strong sobs as well. 

None of them answers my question; Only Yusuke lifts his distressed face up at me, and gestures with his head in the direction of the other room's corner, where another group of people are kneeling in front of the coffin. Wordlessly, he tells me to go over there... but why should I? For what reason should I lament some ningen's death, lean over the spirit's shelter, now lacking in life? Is he trying to tell me that Kurama may be near there? But I don't sense his you-ki anywhere around here. 

Without knowing why I am doing this, I get away from them, and I still can hear the contained sobs of Yukina and Keiko behind me. 

As I approach the coffin, my throat suddenly tightens; my eyes open wide in terror... despair begins to invade my inner being. Kneeling in front of the coffin there are Shiori, her husband, and Shuuichi, ningen brother of Kurama. 

The closest relatives... of the dead one. 

Although the fact has already established itself in my mind, it hasn't reached out its darkened roots to its fullest extension, and that's the reason why I can make my way past the disconsolate woman and her husband, followed by their stunned gaze. I can't yet entirely absorb, comprehend this idea, and because of that I manage, without shaking, to reach the front of the coffin surrounded by white roses... roses almost as beautiful as those that he could summon with his Youko powers. 

Inside the coffin, looking serenely asleep, there is Kurama, lying with his hands placed carefully on his chest, one over another. His long red hair is spread across the satin pillow. He is wearing a black suit, with a white shirt, and a tie. His perfect face is very pale, but his expression was never so relaxed in life... and yet still so beautiful. I look at his face, and I have the feeling that his green eyes will turn upwards at any minute and focus on me; his lips will open in a delightful smile, as always, and his long arms will reach out in my direction, demanding that I cuddle between them... 

I don't move from my place, I find myself paralyzed by this amazing, surreal sight. Minutes pass by and I can't get rid of the feeling that those eyes will open suddenly; I keep on looking at him, before a hand rests lightly on my shoulder, breaking the spell. I look up. Yusuke stares at me with a wordless grief on his face. He says nothing, but the hand on my shoulder becomes firmer, trying to console me. 

"How did it happen?" I ask, surprised at the calmness of my own voice. 

"H-he... he was... r-run over... a truck lost control and caught him on his way out of school..." I take some time to really understand what he is saying... run over?... run over?? What the hell? What kind of a stupid thing is that? "H-He died almost... almost instantly..." he continues; his voice is shaking, his self-control has gone completely. Tears start to stream down his cheeks again. "H-Hiei... we couldn't warn you... gomenasai..." He is trying to regain his composure, and keeps on apologizing and moaning, but the sound of his voice is slowly fading away from me... I am suddenly being carried away to another place, to another time. I am still there, standing, looking at the still face of Kurama, but in a completely different world. 

I am drawn back to the past, and countless images pass before me like in some movie play, like those Kurama got me to watch. 

Kurama smiling at me, his eyes brilliant, his cheeks rose-colored with pleasure... his joking, his teasing games, his amusement when he finally managed to get any reaction from me... his shy declaration of love, and the hurt in his eyes when I ran away to Makai, so cowardly... our first kiss, our first lovemaking... the abandonment, the passion, the furious need that we felt in that moment, and in all the moments following. Every expression, every smile, every gaze, both happy and sad, of Kurama, come into my mind, all of them mixing together in one... rolling wildly, crazily, until my legs weaken and I fall to my knees, the hard reality of the present hitting me heavily. 

I haven't noticed that I have been crying... I only realize that when a glimpse of the ground calls my attention: there are my tear gems spread over the floor close to where the coffin is placed, shining and dark spheres. I run my hand over my face, feeling it wet, warm. 

Yusuke gets down beside me, intending to help me to stand up, looking concerned with my reaction. But I make a rude gesture to free myself from his touch, and get to my feet without his help. 

"Hiei..." His voice is filled with worry, and in a glance I see the others getting closer, their faces concerned as well; I know that I can't stand this; I can't stand their pity, their mourning... They can do nothing for me, nobody can. 

Yukina's sad eyes are fixed on me, pleading. 

No. Not even for her. 

I get away, so quickly that I am sure that everyone present in the room, except maybe Yusuke, has the feeling that I vanished before their eyes. I don't look at the coffin before disappearing; it is not necessary. That pale face is forever, painfully carved into my memory. I don't need to look at it one last time. 

Those eyes... those eyes will never open again, will never look at me with a teasing shine dancing in the jade iris... never more his warm smile directed only at me; the kindness, the love that I never thought of find in this lonely existence... 

The whole world becomes an indistinct blur as I run through the darkness, my cloak fluttering behind me, my sword oscillating at my side, beating towards my body. My throat is blocked, I can barely breathe. I run, blindly, leaving behind me a trail of tear gems, my vision shaded, my heart seeming to want to explode from the pain inside my chest. 

A horrible sound escapes from my lips; a desperate and insane cry ululates through the night like the lament of a wandering ghost who doens't want to die. I cry his name countless times loosing all control. I am not aware of myself, all that exists is only pain, despair, anguish, the feeling of loss. The smashing emptiness that will be never filled up again... I feel I am falling into darkness, and pray for this to be the end of suffering, the end of everything. 

Underneath me there seems to be nothing, and I fall, feeling impotent against this avalanche of emotions that are exterminating what remains of sanity in me. I keep on screaming Kurama's name, and the sound of my howling echoes through the cold obscurity around me... closing my eyes, I surrender to the fall... 

I am being shaken, and someone is calling my name, insistently. I open my eyes, irritated, furious with whoever is not letting me die in peace. 

The first thing I see is Kurama's alarmed face. He is holding my shoulders, and great relief pervades his face when I finally wake up. 

"Hiei! ... Thank Goodness you woke up... what terrible nightmare was that? I almost couldn't wake you up!" He looks at me, worried, his hands rise up to my face, wet by the tears. I am too confused to say anything, but I can still feel the sobs remaining from the dream escaping from my throat. He notices that, and his concerned expression deepens; he pulls me between his arms, stroking my hair. 

I am still under the effects of the dream... and because of that I let the tears run feely, doing nothing to stop them. Kurama doesn't say anything, he just holds me tightly, and I hold fast to him, feeling relief mixed with pain at being again between his arms, yet not believing that all of that was just a stupid dream... but, if now it's a false dream? At any moment I will wake up, back again to the despair of before, running through the night, crossing the emptiness... This thought incites more tears, and Kurama's hold renews; somehow, the Youko seems to understand that I don't need any words right now, just his presence, his firm embrace. 

Slowly, I calm down, and my tears begin to fade away. However, I remain cuddled between his arms, eyes closed. A spark of rage lights weakly inside my chest. What the hell kind of a dream was this? What stupid trick has my subconscious played with me? 

My mind lightens up, and still with my eyes closed, I begin to remember. I am in his bed, in his room. His parents and brother are away, on a trip. Kurama took advantage of this situation to prepare me a delicious dinner, and after that, we made love, and slept, holding one to another together. 

And then, this tricky dream. And seeming so real... 

I open my eyes, and free myself from his embrace to look at him. His face is still worried, but he gives me a little smile, and his warm and soft lips come closer to mine, carefully, in a light kiss. I close my eyes again, submitting totally to the sensations that begin to take over my body. My heart accelerates, this time with excitation, not despair anymore. With his caresses and touches he manages to somehow remove the remaining vestiges of the dream while our bodies become one, our groans and sighs melting together into only one breath, only one need... until the final explosion, which leaves us out of breath and exhausted, our legs interlaced, our arms around each other, our skin wet with our sweat. 

My head rests upon Kurama's chest and I let out a satisfied sigh. I reach out one arm over his waist and I accommodate myself more comfortably, feeling his hand trace little circles on my hair. 

The nightmare has become a distant shadow now; its clammy, cold claws can't affect me anymore. 

However, deep inside my soul, I almost can hear my own afflicted screams, locked as I was in a trap of my own mind. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to expel these last sequels from my mind. One day, maybe, I will be able to do that. 

The room is wrapped in total silence. I have the feeling that the most lightest sound will make it shatter, like it is some thin glass wall. Kurama probably has the same feeling, because he says nothing; It is not typical of him, this talking fox, to be quiet for more than some minutes. 

It is weird. I am not feeling ashamed about the moment of weakness that I have shown so openly. In the light of so many weaknesses that I have demonstrated in front of him, this one is just one more to join the list. My own decision of staying with him is the biggest weakness of all. I should feel regret, but I don't. All I want now is remain like this: by his side, inhaling his scent, feeling the touch of his skin, the herbal aroma of his hair... Yes, this could be paradise, if that existed. 

I am almost falling asleep when his soft voice calling my name brings me back, and I open my eyes slowly, turn my head so I can look at him. 

"Hiei... what were you dreaming about?" He asks me gently. 

"I don't remember." I mutter, avoiding his face, wanting with that to finish this subject. Of course he doesn't buy it, but pretends to believe, and intensifies his hold around my body. More minutes of silence pass, until he speaks again, in a whisper. 

"Hiei..." 

"Hn..." I let escape a sound of exasperation, closing my eyes. No, I think, of course he won't give up this easily. 

"You were saying my name while you were dreaming..." he is picking his words carefully, so as not to disturb me, but it's too late. I begin to feel my irritation growing. It will not take too long until something rough escapes from my lips, and he knows it, but still... 

"Actually," he continues, "you were screaming my name... if Kaasan and the others were home, they would have entered my room immediately..." 

"Well, I am sorry for being a embarrassment for you and your ningen family..." I growl, taking refuge in sarcasm, suddenly getting away from him, sitting on the bed, far from his welcoming hold. 

"Hiei, please... don't be like that. That's not what I mean. It's just that... I am worried." 

I say nothing, sitting in the bed's edge, turning my back to him. I know that he expects me to tell the truth, but I am so reluctant to open more of myself to him... like it was possible, after everything that happened between us. But habits of a whole life do not soon disappear, even when there is a stubborn fox ready to change them. 

Kurama stirs in the bed, and I feel him getting closer. His arms wrap me, he hides his face on my neck, pulling out of me an involuntary chill when his breath touches my skin. I remain still. 

"Were you dreaming about my death, Hiei?" He asks in a low voice against my ear. I swear internally. Is it possible that I had become so transparent? Am I able to hide anything from him? Speechless, I just nod, admitting finally what I had been trying so hard to deny. He makes me turn to him, and gently takes my face in his hands, forcing me to face him. 

"Hiei, when the moment of Minamino Shuuichi's death comes, and this body dies, my spirit will go back to Youko-Kurama's form, in Makai" His finger traces my lips, softly. "We will be together there, then." 

"I know it." I affirm simply, like there was no stressed sensation and despair in the dream, like it was nothing, to be drowning in pain when looking at that face forever still, to those eyes forever shut... yes, of course I know that Minamino's death doesn't mean Kurama's real death. It will only be a returning to his original Youko form... but in the nightmare, this simple fact didn't help me at all. This knowledge didn't stop the pain which arose from looking at his motionless body... I almost shiver when remembering that, and I look down, but he raises up my chin again. His expression is serious, but his eyes are kind. 

"So... there is no reason to worry, right?" 

"I'm not worried." I declare, without much conviction. He smiles, and kisses me lightly on my forehead. 

"That's good. No more silly dreams, ok?" 

I just shrug, perfectly aware that I am fooling no one with my careless facade, but as always, he agrees to join my game, and doesn't insist. His arms hold me again and I abandon myself in them, and he pulls me back to his side on the bed, and extends the blanket over us, his eyes almost closing in sleepiness. 

"Good night, koibito..." he murmurs, in a whisper, falling asleep almost immediately after that. I remain awake, rocked by the up and down motions of his breathing, listening to the sound of the wind whipping the tree branches outside. 

I don't want to sleep right now. Actually, I am totally alert, and some anxiety rises inside me, bringing me to free myself from Kurama's sleeping embrace and get up off the bed. I dress quickly and get to the window, examining the full moon night; the moonlight spreading its pale rays all over the room, creating a soft penumbra. 

I have to get out. Which I do, then, in a fast jump through the tree branches. 

In minutes, I am at the top of a building in the middle of the city, and looking down, I loose some moments to behold the sleeping city. There are not many lights on, but if there is somebody awake on the streets, he certainly can't see me, camouflaged by the darkness of the night behind me. 

I begin to think in reflect upon the strange and stupid dream which managed to destroy all my arduously learned self-control. A silly dream, like Kurama said, but still quite revealing... Have I anytime ever stopped to think about the depth of the feeling I have for that stubborn fox? I depend on him so much... as I never thought I would depend on anyone. I would never admit that, but it doesn't alter the fact that I am so bonded to him, that my own unconscious mind worries about his death, even if it is only the death of his current body, not his real death... creating this disturbing dream that was able to drag me out of my always so superior "I-don't-care-for-anybody-or-anything" attitude. 

I breathe in deeply. 

I finally return home... weird, since when I have ever had a "home"? 

Your home is between his arms... always was and always will be, a voice in my mind reminds me, and I agree with myself. That is true... as a human or as a Youko, I belong to him; there is no turning back anymore. Only the future... and there will be no trucks out of control... I will make sure of that, keeping an eye on him. Just in case... 

When I come back to his room, he is waiting for me, awake, but there is no censure in his eyes; he welcomes me with a affectionate smile; his eyes are bright and warm, and like always his arms open up to receive me... I cuddle between them without reservations. 

I finally fall asleep, with my face resting on his chest, my fingers interlaced in a strand of his silky hair. I have another dream... but this one is different. 

I find myself alone, in the middle of a fog. I can hear strange sounds far away... I know that I am in Makai, because the fog dissolves a little and I recognize one of the many territories where I use to wander when in Mukuro's service picking up stupid ningens that have the misfortune of stumble through some hidden doorway between the two worlds. They are lucky, when I find them before some other youkai does, and lead them back to Ningenkai. 

Someone approaches me. I turn around, but I am not startled, since I have already identified the ki of the creature who approaches me with light steps. 

Only a few times have I seen Kurama in his Youko form. The tall figure comes close to me, his long, golden eyes stare at me, up from his higher height. He wears some white, diaphanous clothes, and his silver hair is longer than Minamino Shuuichi's, reaching his waist. I found myself frozen in his glance. A cold and penetrating one. Youko Kurama looks at me, and suddenly, a warm smile spreads through his lips. I can almost see his human face behind his Youko face. His eyes aren't cold anymore, but filled with a kindness that I find incredibly familiar. 

Without saying a word, he extends his hand to me. 

I hesitate for a moment, then I take his warm hand in mine. 

"Forever, koibito." he murmurs, and his slender Youko arms envelop me. I close my eyes. 

I wake up with his strong embrace around me, and I smile without noticing it. I know that it is true. I may not believe in many things, but I do believe in this one: forever, we will belong to each other. 

I return the embrace, and fall asleep again, this time, no more dreams. Just the comfort feeling of his arms around me, and his soft breath touching my face.   
  
  
  


~~ Owari ~~   


Written by Lalachan, April, 1998.   
Yu Yu Hakusho and its characters are property of Yoshihiro Togashi, Fuji TV, Shueisha, Jump Comics, and Studio Pierrot.   
Background music: "Dante's Prayer", by Loreena McKennitt.   
Comments? Please, mail me at [lalachan@yahoo.com][1]   
  
  
  


   [1]: mailto:lalachan@yahoo.com



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